A lesson in manners

Dear Neighbor:

While I held no illusions that you were the classiest person I had ever met, I thought that giving birth to four children of your own might have at least imbued you with a clue. Seems I was wrong, so allow me to enlighten you: It is generally considered impolite to tell a 34-week pregnant woman, "Wow! You are just getting SO BIG! How much longer do you have, anyway?"

Such a remark, when uttered in the incredulous tone you used, serves only to disgust and enrage said pregnant lady, and it makes you look like a total schmuck. Furthermore, it ensures that your expectant neighbor will hereby drop you from the homemade baked goods distribution list FOREVER. No more cupcakes for you, chickie!

The proper and polite thing to do when you encounter an expectant mother well into her third trimester is to LIE. When you find out how far along she is, you tell her there is just no way she could be that far advanced in her pregnancy--she looks SO much smaller than that! It doesn't matter if she knows you're lying--she'll thank you for it! The last thing she needs at that point is brutal reality, especially when she hasn't seen her own feet in weeks. The truth about her girth is really beside the point and unless she lives in a house with no mirrors, she doesn't need a genius like you to point it out. And if you don't feel comfortable telling what really amounts to a mercy fib, then by all means, just KEEP YOUR PIE HOLE SHUT! Silence is golden, dear neighbor.

If I wasn't better-mannered, I might have, upon hearing your thoughtless remark (and that of the day prior concerning my belly button and the fact that it appears to you that "my turkey timer has popped") , unleashed upon you with a Julia Sugarbaker-esque excoriation that included something to the effect that 'at least my figure is that of a woman and not a pre-pubescent 13-year-old boy', a fact you can make no claims to yourself. But I have to live next to you until you move out in December and my daughter likes to play with your girls, so I held my tongue. I am, however, baking a cake tonight and you can bet your sweet bottom that there won't be any for your family! Thank you for making me not sad about the news that you'll be moving away soon.

Smooches,
Your Neighbor
Blimpy McPorkington